Holding my thoughts inside: Memories of us
by Clownfood
Summary: Yazoo wakes up only to find his brother missing. Loz reminice over a lost childhood. Kadaj is asleep... A short story about the relationships between the SHM from Advent Children.


AUTHORS NOTE(S) (Sooo loooong sorry)

I've wanted to write about FF7-AC for a long time, but I don't have much of a story to tell. It's more of a "Plot-what-plot". Mainly, I wanted to focus on the characters and the relationship between the SHM. My favourite is Yazoo, and his relationship with Loz, which this "short" story is about. It started out as a dialogue between Yazoo and Loz, but it got out of hand. () … I always thought Yazoo and Loz should have a strong bound, since they are about the same age, and they were children the same time, teens at the same time etc. Kadaj is so much younger. But on the other hand, Kadaj and Yazoo is looks much more alike. Therefore I think there's some complications in the relationship between the three of them.

About the title; "Holding my thoughts inside" is the title of one of the songs from the AC OST, as some of you might know. I was listening to that song when I started writing, so I named the story after it. The idea is that all stories about AC is supposed to be called "Holding my thoughts inside: (…)" and then a second name. If I ever write ant more that is…

ALSO! This is the first fic I've ever published on an English site. Obviously, my main language isn't English, but I am under the impression that I can master the language. Even so, there might be some grammar mistakes I've missed… so sorry… oh! And sorry for the crappy like first 5 sentences or so…

Phew… really writing a lot here. Okay. If I haven't scared you off with all of this, please go ahead and enjoy!

* * *

HOLDING MY THOUGHTS INSIDE: MEMORIES OF WHO WE WERE

Yazoo woke up from the unfamiliar cold at his left side. Stretching one arm out over the cot, he confirmed what he already knew. Loz was missing. Yazoo opened his eyes. It was unusual for Loz to wake up in the middle of the night and getting up was a small sensation. Usually, it took Yazoo a large amount of shaking and slight violence to wake him up in the mornings. Something was different and Yazoo didn't like when things were different. Different usually meant some sort of danger. Slowly, he sat up, gently removing his part of the blanket from his still fully clothed frame. He turned to his left, where Kadaj slept silently on his side, facing the wall, seemingly undisturbed by Yazoo's movements. Yazoo made sure Kadaj was neatly tucked in against the cold, damp air before he stood up and soundlessly walked out the room.

* * *

Stepping out into the draughty hallway of the run-down building, Yazoo stood quietly for a moment, listening after any trace of his older brother. There was no sound except for the howling of the wind trough the cracks in the walls and a faint call of a Shadow leaper in the distance. Feeling cold all of a sudden, Yazoo wrapped his arms around himself before starting to walk towards the collapsed stair-case.

Where could Loz have gone? The only thing greater then the huge mans urge to sleep was his appetite. But even hunger shouldn't have woken him up. They were used to starvation, the three of them. Sleeping next to Kadaj, his arm around the youngest brother to keep the cold away, he couldn't help but notice how close skin and bone had become underneath that hard layer of leather. Even now, hugging himself, he was all too aware of how thin he felt to himself. Of cause, he'd always been thin, girlish in his shape except for his height. When they were younger Loz used to taunt Yazoo for his female features, calling him "Yazzie" and "Yozie" and other parodies of girl's names he could come up with. Yazoo would scream things back at him, like Loz being stupid and a big muscle head, since his older brother was too big for his age, and slow at learning as well. And so they would go on, bitching at each other, until Loz started crying or Yazoo's voice broke into coughs.

He'd always been the weak, sickly one. Getting upset or exited almost always resulted in severe coughing and breathing problems. At those times, Loz would run to his brother's side, saying he was sorry and rubbing Yazoo's back to make it easier for him to breathe. Those times when Yazoo became really ill and bedridden, Loz would be at his side, always rambling about things to keep his younger brother entertained and/or conscious. And he would sleep at his brother's side, trying his best to keep him warm.

Since then, it had always been like that. The three of them would always sleep in the same bed, even if they didn't need the warmth. It felt safe. Normal. And Loz disappearing into the night was not normal, and therefore it did not feel safe at all. Yazoo needed to find him, otherwise he'd never be able to go back to sleep.

* * *

Kadaj was not bothered by the break in routine as Yazoo was. He knew real danger from disturbance, and would not wake up over such a minor thing as Loz missing.

* * *

Loz sat on the wrecked railing of the front porch, his radiant eyes trailing off into the darkness of the night. He could hear shadow leapers in the distance, but didn't worry about it, since they never came too close to the house. For some reason, he couldn't sleep. It wasn't his stomachs protests that had kept him awake; they had given up a long time ago. It was this weird feeling. It just wouldn't go away. He felt … lonely. He couldn't understand why. Both his brothers were there with him, yet, he felt alienated.

He knew he wasn't as smart as Yazoo or Kadaj. It's always been like that. So why was he all of a sudden so annoyed with not being able to participate in their daily verbal debates? Yazoo and Kadaj used to have long talks about various things, and such talks always tired Loz. He wasn't able to keep up. Sooner or later it all became too confusing. But his two younger brothers could go at it for hours on end, laughing or arguing. Loz would now and then make a joke about them being just like two women, and Gaia how alike they looked when they got angry! The same smooth lines in their faces, the same thick-lashed eyes and the same little twist of the lips. Loz didn't look like that. He didn't look like them. He wasn't beautiful as they were. Clever as they were. Alert as they were.

The other day Yazoo and Kadaj had argued over breakfast, which consisted of some mushrooms and vegetables that Yazoo had found around the perimeter and declared eatable. Something about the context in a book they'd both read and had very different opinions about. Yazoo was in the middle of making a point when his breath suddenly caught in his throat. It had been a very long time since he'd had an attack, almost over a year. But all of a sudden, he started coughing and sank to the floor. Before Loz even had the time to react, Kadaj had jumped the table and was by his older brother's side, rubbing his back and urging him to breathe slowly. Loz just stood there, watching, until Kadaj had snapped at him to get some water.

* * *

They had just shoved him into the plain room with the blue walls and old toys where Loz and Yazoo resided and then slammed the door. The little boy couldn't have been more then four years old. His silver hair was damp and his green eyes filled with tears as he sat down on the floor, crying. Ten year old Yazoo had immediately crawled out of bed and seated himself next to the small crying child, taking him into his arms, hushing him and comforting him. Loz just watched as the child's sobbing weakened until it finally came to a stop. Puffy, red eyes looked up into Yazoo's smiling face, a little hand grabbing a hold of the older boy's already long hair, laughing as Yazoo made a funny face of discomfort.

"Okay, stop that" Yazoo said, his voice a little sore from coughing earlier that day, and took the small hand in his own, removing it from his hair. He didn't stop smiling though.

The little child giggled and struggled playfully in Yazoo's grip.

"And what's your name?" Yazoo asked while playing along with the struggle.

"Kajaj!" the child exclaimed.

"Kajaj?" Loz repeated, while moving closer to the two.

"No! No! Ka-jaj!" the child pouted.

"Ah! I get it! Kadaj!" Yazoo said triumphantly and got a confirmative "Yes! Yes! Ka-jaj!" from the small Kadaj.

"Hi there Kadaj!" Yazoo smiled "I'm Yazoo and this here is Loz!"

"Yazoooooooooooo and Lozzzzzz. Hi, hi!" the child laughed.

Loz smiled, kneeling down next to them.

"Hi there little brother" he said.

That night was the first night they all slept together in Yazoos bed. Kadajs little body curled up between the larger boys, his small hand tangled in Yazoos hair. Their first night as brothers.

* * *

"What are you doing out here? It's cold"

Loz jumped at Yazoos voice, snapping his head to the figure in the doorway.

"Damnit Yazoo! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"Sorry" Yazoo replied softly, taking to steps unto the porch without a sound coming from the otherwise noisy old floor boards.

"I woke you up, right? Sorry 'bout that" Loz said while watching his brother advance over the floor.

"It's okay" Yazoo said "You know what a light sleeper I am. I wake up for everything"

"Yeah, I know" Loz thought "You've always been like that"

Yazoo wrapped his arms tighter around himself, looking around the dark outside the railing.

"I repeat; it's cold. Come inside"

"I'll be fine" Loz replied, turning back to the darkness.

"But I won't" Yazoo said.

Loz flinched a little at the unexpected answer. Cold air had never been Yazoo's strong side, but still…

"So go back to bed" he said, still eyeing the darkness.

"I can't sleep without you there" Yazoo sat down next to his brother "What's your excuse?"

"I just can't sleep" Loz said turning to meet his brother's gaze "I've got too many thoughts rushing through me head"

"I'll crack open the champagne" Yazoo smiled.

"Ha ha. Really funny"

"I'm just joking. What are you thinking about that is keeping you from your favourite hobby?"

"That's right. Keep patronising the muscle-brain" Loz snapped, crossing his arms.

"Why are you so edgy all of a sudden? Okay, I'm sorry" Yazoo's gaze became more concerned as his voice softened "What is on your mind? Tell me."

Loz looked at his younger brother and sighed.

"It's… ah… it's nothing. Nothing important"

"Nothing important, such as?"

Loz looked into his brothers eyes, opened his mouth as if to say something, but then he turned away and shook his head.

Yazoo kept his eyes on Loz face a little while longer, before he turned away to look into the night as well. A cold breeze caught his hair and carried it from his face. Yazoo wished he could have seen the stars. But the air-pollution was so severe that not even the moon managed to shine through the never-moving clouds. He thought about how much he hated that sky. He wished they were back in the mountains, where the air was somewhat clear. This thick atmosphere gave him headaches. He was just about to say something when Loz broke the long silence.

"You don't need me anymore"

Yazoo was so surprised, at first he didn't know what to answer. He looked at his brother, who did not look at him.

"What kind of a … of cause we need you Loz! You're our …"

Loz interrupted him before he could finish.

"Not Kadaj and you… just you. Kadaj never needed me, and you don't any longer"

Yazoo was still surprised, and was now even more perplexed at the hurt tone in his older brothers voice.

"You've grown so strong" Loz continued, still refusing to look at Yazoo "I've watch you get better and better, get stronger and stronger. And I was so glad that you became so well. So alive. But now… " he raised his head to look up into the clouded sky "… it feel's like you've changed so much, and I haven't changed at all"

Loz twitched in surprise as he felt the weight of Yazoo's head on his shoulder.

"I know" Yazoo whispered.

"What?" Loz said, a little chocked.

"I know, you haven't changed at all. I've changed, Kadaj changed. Sephiroth changed. But you, you never change. No matter what, you remained the brother I grew up with" Yazoo raised his head a little, to look at Loz face "Don't you see, that's why I need you so much? I might not be dying any longer, but that doesn't mean I don't need my big brother to look out for me. Kadaj is all independent, and so are you. But I, I need you, Lo. I need both of you. Otherwise, I wouldn't be sitting here, right?"

Loz wrapped his arms around his thin brother, holding him as he used to do when they were children.

"It's been ages since you called me Lo, Yazz"

"I know. It's been ages since we had the time to be brothers"

"But we won't be running for much more, will we?"

"No. We won't"

Those words held so much comfort...

Okay, there you have it! Please don't throw rocks at me if you didn't like the way I portrayed Yazoo!

And feel free to review as much as you like! But NO ROCKS! Okay? Thanks for reading!


End file.
